Just when I thought life couldn't get any crazier, I now have a six year old. My baby just turned six last week, which just seems a bit crazy to me, I swear it feels like I just had her! I'm sure everyone says that, but each year on her birthday I like to look back, just for a second, and realize all that we've been through and how far we've come. This year absolutely amazed me!
Six years ago I wasn't even legal to vote yet. I was just about to turn 18 and, to be perfectly honest, I had no idea what to do in life. I was living on a farm north of Manson, had a newborn at home, little to no family around, and the friends I still had lived hundreds of miles away. I was still happy, mainly clueless, but happy that I had my daughter to look forward to. I wasn't working at this time and had just finished getting my high school finished up before she was born.  I lived with a boyfriend that ensured things would be alright, even through the bad times and fighting, as long as we stayed together. To sum all of this up (now looking back) I was simply nieve.
So, after all that sappy story, I will speed things up. Over the past six years things have changed so much that I don't even think I would know that same girl. This year I finsished my AA degree and immiediatly started on classes for my BA, which I will finish December 2013 (hopefully lol). I have owned my own home for over 4yrs now and fought every moment for that. I have worked at H&R Block almost 5yrs now, 3 of those years I've been preparing taxes. I have been single for about 4yrs now, but being a single mother was my choice, and a great choice at that. I have turned into a bit of a stubborn person, but I think that's needed for basic survival, right?
My beautiful daughter is about to start first grade in less than a month and growing like a weed. She is growing up to be a very sassy, yet independent girl, and for that I am very thankful. She likes being self sufficient, but still enjoys cuddling with her mom... thank goodness! :-) She looks so much like me that it's kind of scary, mainly because I don't want her to grow up the same way I did, but I already have made sure I've done as much as I can to ensure that.
So beyond the sappy stories, my main point is that its just crazy to believe so much can change in as little time as 6 years. Did I plan any of this to happen? Most certainly not, however it has helped me grow up and learn that I do indeed have a backbone and if you want something to change then you make it change! Hopefully that is the one thing I can teach her, that way she can be a success much quicker and without having to go through all the b.s. I went through to figure out where I needed to be. Now let's see how much better it can get! :-)

Life in 2012

Well, since I could always use an update (yes, on myself), I will add the details of this crazy year so far! Just to start from the beginning, a refresher, I decided to stay home & sleep through New Year's Eve as a break away from the normal cycle of going out & starting the year with a hangover. This idea was intended, with high hopes, to bring in a new, improved, and much different year... this has already shown to be true!
I worked through another crazy busy tax season, this time at a much higher education rank/level. I had an eye-opening experience during the season when a raged client told me that I was a "little twerp who has no right to work in that office." This helped remind me that the education advancements I had achieved were displayed on a tiny plaque behind me, unlike my age that is always first noticed. This started my kick on ageism, simply for the fact that I had surpassed a few coworkers of much higher ages, but got much less confidence from some clients based on only this.
I also graduated! How I'd love to act all excited about this and/or announce that I was finally done with this slow painful process, however I started two days later on courses for my bachelor's degree... then it will be Master's... then maybe, eventually, someday, estimated January 2015-ish I will be done for good! Woo...wait it's only 2012... damn!
I also have two of my best friends living here with me again, this has been one of the great points of the year so far! My best friend of 20yrs moved in the beginning of January with my godson and my other friend moved in a few weeks ago with her daughter, but sadly she will only be here for the summer. I know I grew up in a single-child family, but it's nice to have friends that I'm this close to living near! Between sharing clothes to helping babysit when each of us need it, it helps a lot! I feel blessed for having such good friends here!
My baby girl graduates from kindergarten in just a few weeks! She has been so excited that we both graduate this year... Associates degree vs Kindergarten... I don't see a difference! It just seems amazing how it wasn't so long ago that I was watching her learn how to become mobile (that was a fun stage) and now she is graduating kindergarten. Time goes by way too fast and I just want to make sure she can be a kid for as long as possible since I was never allowed to. She is my world and I want to give her a whole different world then I ever had.
I will admit that the one downfall of this year, or at least the past month or so, is that I have not seen a lot of my friends. I have been so busy with school, work, my daughter's activities, and so stressed that I haven't done a whole lot, but just haven't been in the mood or motivation to do much. I think I need a little boost because I could really use some time laughing with good friends.

I have noticed this year that I have been growing up a lot. Thinking more about my health, finances, and future. Actually beyond thinking about it (don't we all think about these things?), I actually have been doing things to improve each area with hopes to improve my life in general. Now my next obstacles will be overcoming my past and eliminating all the negative people in it... I'll work on that as soon as I knock out the other, much larger obstacles first. :-)

Is Enough Really Enough?

When is it time to say that you have had enough? When is it ok to admit that you cannot handle everything thrown onto you? When is enough really enough?
There's probably no clear answer to any of these questions, but we all have to ask them at some point. I will be the first to admit that I have been known to be a little stubborn, independent, or strong willed. I have become pretty efficient with stress management, which also includes being amazing at hiding my feelings; even when it becomes too much.
So what then? What is there to do, logically? There is no time to cry, plus what good does crying do? There are not many people to talk to about certain issues, and the few close friends I do still have don't share the same experiences (yes, I know that no two people have the exact same experience - but this isn't even remotely close) which makes it extremely difficult to explain. Do you sleep it off? This has normally been a great answer except I run on such a full schedule already that there is hardly any time to sleep and lately I just simply haven't been able to fall asleep. The only option I have came up with is to possibly blog about it, this is still new for me, but maybe it will help me feel better even if no one ever reads this... preferably if no one ever reads this.
First, I will say that this in not about any person, especially a guy. Like I said before, my schedule is already packed full with enough to worry about little alone another addition (no offense to anyone). In fact, this isn't even about one specific issue at all. This is a build up of months of little things bothering me and then adding a few huge catastrophes to the mix has caused pure chaos inside of my head. Only one person has asked me about any of it, so I know I still do well managing stress, because honestly who wants to be around someone with a chip on their shoulder with no explanation of why? And really, what good does that do?? None!
The answer, the one I think is right, is to get my big girl panties on and give 'um hell! It wouldn't be me to just let some issue, no matter the size, simply run me over. I will always fight for what I think is right, just, or deserved; so there is no stopping now! The key to all of this is to be able to stop the chaos long enough to organize it all, sort each problem, and match it with a potential solution.
Now, after having a 5 paragraph long argument with myself via blog (isn't that what blogging is for??), I better start preparing for war. One day I will be able to relax and enjoy life for a moment, at least that's what I'm working towards, but to get to that point I must use my youthfulness to conquer the existing and future obstacles.

What do you say when obstacles want to get in the way of your happiness?? "BRING IT ON!!!"

What blogging is all about

So, after over 6 months into this whole blogging idea, I think I've finally figured out what its all about! I have over a thousand friends on fb, some friends, some family, some clients, some just acquaintances ; this leaves me hesitant at times on what I can/cannot post/share on there as it may give a bad impression of me on whatever level. So, this ends up being a time blogging comes in handy as I can share whatever I want with a minimal (if any) audience that will see it.
Another part of blogging is the "Online diary" per say. Instead of the small notebook style diary that we had when we were a tween,  we now get a site of our own to vent. Now, I for one will not include every detail about my life as I have yet to use certain names or much about feelings/emotions/etc.
This brings me to my third part of my definition of blogging, a way to vent. Instead of calling your close friends to vent about your day, significant other, job, etc you can blog. This prevents your friends from having to hear your story and attempting to seem empathetic. Then you're not only making yourself feel better, you also are avoiding an awkward situation and/or extending the friendship life.
Now, as always there is fine print to this. Certain situations shouldn't always be put on the internet for multiple reasons, but the main one I've learned is that once its put Online, its hard to get it off. So, if your blog is even the slightest chance public domain, don't share something that you wouldn't want anyone else to read. There should also be a limit on certain stories, emotions, etc as these can frame your life to a strange reader that has never met you. Examples of thus could be too many stories of crazed nights, emotional disasters, or even multiple stories bragging yourself up; these can lead to people thinking that you may have whorish behaviors, an emotional disorder (aka crazy!!) Or that you're beyond self consumed.
I try to monitor my blogging, but sometimes its just nice to vent even if I have to do it in code so no one can pick up on who/what I'm truly talking about. ;-)
So there is my Epiphany for the time! This has been an interesting experience to learn, but my main goal/confusion when I started this was "what the heck is blogging about??" So now I have my answer, at least for now. :-)

Tequila

So, this is a topic that has been on my mind all day, what happens with tequila...? People might have different effects from tequila, such as but not limited to: anger, rage, frustration, uncontrollable giggling, sudden urges to strip off their clothing, table dancing, whorish behavior and/or pregnancy. What is the effects on me? Much different! Granted it does put me into a good mood, I may giggle like a school girl, and there may or may not be dancing involved, but the one major effect is word vomit. (For those who don't know the meaning of this, it simply means saying anything and/or everything that comes to your mind no matter what it is or who it effects.)
While some of my friends are terrified to come around me after a margaritta for fear of what might be said, there's a few of my friends who absolutely love this effect and they even encourage it! I have one group of friends where we always meet for a margaritta, it helps us relax, rewind, and vent a bit... or in some cases a lot. Lol! One friend says she loves when I have tequila because its entertaining to her since I don't have anything bad to ever say to her, which is true.
Now, please don't misunderstand this, I don't go out of my way to be mean to someone ever or start fights, I just lose that filter we have that lets us know what thoughts are appropriate and polite to say aloud.
My main thought is how bad is this really? The only things I say are what I'm thinking, which in some cases might not be the best time/place/people to say it around, but freedom of speech is an American right, right? Some of the things that are said might be things I think but wouldn't ever say due to fear or "lack of balls" as some say. For instance, calling someone out who blows you off constantly,  that might be considered a good thing, maybe as a esteem boost or mind reliever when/if you get an answer. That is much better then those times where worse things are said such as "you know how I know you're gay?" To a complete stranger passing by or telling random embarrassing stories about yourself that you normally wouldn't tell anyone besides your best friends. (Those moments get a bit awkward!)
So, maybe there is an answer to fix this , but maybe its not such a bad side effect as long as I'm at the right place with the right crowd.
Just a random thought for the day...

2012 is here!

This may be a bit backwards, but ill do my new year update before a wrap up of 2011, just for the simple fact this will be quicker. Lol
Now before reading this, remember that I am a 23yr old, try to rememeber that while reading. ;-)
Last night, New Years Eve, I decided to stay home, sleep, and pretty much treat it as any other night I didn't have my child. Is there a method behind my madness? Of course! The past couple years haven't been the greatest, to say the least, and I had spent those NYE's getting completly wasted & spent the rest of the year hearing stories of what I did during my drunken stupor. So, to make this quick, I was desperately looking for a change, and that was what I came up with... wish me luck with this hypothesis. :-)
So after I got home from certification exams & dropping off my daughter, I simply took a bath, got into the sexiest pj's possible (and by sexy I mean not at all!) Then headed to bed. The last message I sent out was before 8pm, so I slept from about 8pm-9am! It was fantastic!
Now I did not spend NYE alone, my old lazy puppy Zoey slept right through with me.  Apparently we were both exhausted!  My new years kiss was at 10am from my wonderful daughter Faith, when I picked her up. :-)
Many people didn't understand my strategy, but those who know my life well enough completly understood. And yes, I have analyze and probably over analyzed my decision before hand. What were the downfalls? Well first of all me missing out on time with possible friends/acquaintances (my bestirs were all out of town), 2nd I missed out on a tradition, 3rd spending a holiday such as this alone could result in more self independence (Dr phil's holiday precautions). More independence ... who says that's an issue?! Really?? Lol
On the perk side,  I started 2012 fully rested, no hangover, no cyote ugly (not saying everyone had that this morning, but its possible for some), and I woke up knowing I was single, which isn't a bad thing, it helps me remember what I can achieve this year, for one graduation! 
Today I have deep cleaned the house, successfully made my first ham and a homemade apple pie that was even edible! This so far shows major success in the year!
Would I recommend this strategy to everyone? No, I suppose it depends the person and/or stage of life they're in (like I said remember I'm 23). For me, it was a great thing! I caught up on sleep, was refreshed to take on 2012, and I didn't have any false hopes to believe in; I'm single (I say it positively) and sometimes its just nice to remember who & what you have in your life that's important.  I have this fully now.
I never make resolutions anymore, but my only wish) is to be happy in 2012!  I feel bad for 2012, it won't even know what hit it! I'm rested & ready to make 2012 amazing!! :-)

It makes sense in some countries ;-)

A quick confused message of appreciation (don't worry, that makes sense in some countries Lol). I don't know who ever reads this, if anyone, but I have to admit that after about 5 months of blogging or at least starting a blot, I feel much better. My friends don't have to listen to me vent about as much, I don't have to feel like I sound like a broken record, although I know I do, but its to a web blog rather than a person to judge. Lol
Typically I'm optimistic,  or try to be as much as I can, as independent as I can, and as strong as I can be to give me daughter everything she needs (physically, emotionally, etc). These things will never change, just.like the love I have for my friends who stand by me through everything and most of all those people in my life who can make me smile.
My life may not be perfect, but ill never stop improving it. Previous blog additions have ranted enough about my confusions in life (such as "honesty:...") so i need not say more, at least for now, but no matter what, in some countries it makes sense! ;-)