So this past couple of weeks have made somethings very clear to me and my life plans. First of all, I have learned that buying a house at the ripe age of 19 was probably not the smartest idea I had. When I bought my house I wanted to start a new life with me and my daughter. Give her a sense of stability, give her a home to come back to whenever she would need. But why did I want stability? Simple answer, I never had it growing up. I wanted her to have the one thing I had always longed for, a home to come back to, a place to visit when you need reassuring, a place to look back to where you grew up. The one thing I also wanted was something to secure me to that same promise and idea. I know just as well as anyone that when you grow up around a "runner," you're bound to feel the same; when in panic....run as fast & as far as you can away from the situation.
I will admit to my many thoughts, ideas, and failed attempts of trying to run away. When I can look into something and see even a slight possibility of a better life or better chance at happiness, I want to put 150% into it and go. When I think that there could be a chance of finding a better job move, a better future for me & Faith, or even just a fresh start on life; that's when I realize I am just like my mother, and it's scary. On the other hand, what else is there?
The other things, maybe excuses, that I didn't think of are the opportunities I will lose out on. In Fort Dodge, there's a community college and a small university; for someone who wants their master's degree from a well-known school...well, I'm just out of luck I suppose. These things were not crossing my mind when I signed my life to that mortgage, I didn't think it completely through, and that's just not like me. Although it was a desperate time, I wanted things for an immediate "feel-better" rather than thinking everything through.
So, three years after becoming a homeowner, here I am. I'm dying to be freed, to be able to run, or as I like to say, start fresh. There's one little problem, the housing market is in a slump and doesn't look hopeful for a while. I met with my Realtor last week to get an idea of what I was getting into, he said it would be a while before I could even have hope at selling, better yet at leaving.
I have less than a year until I graduate with my AA and AS degrees at Iowa Central, I could finish my Bachelor's degree here, meaning staying here another two years. That's worst cast scenario. Then what? Not a chance of finishing my Master's degree, no chance at even looking into law school even if I wanted to. My career at H&R is on an a steady rise, so I know I will have a great job here. I still feel like I'm settling for less then I want. And there's another angle, do I keep burying myself in work and school and forget ever having a chance at a relationship? Someday I would like to settle down, but around here is that even possible? My luck is horrible, especially with guys (tis why I avoid them most of the time), but isn't that what everyone wants? Will I be happy enough raising Faith, burying myself at work, staying busy with hobbies, but something is still missing..? What happens if I'm stuck here long enough for Faith to get through school, then she leaves the house and I'm completely alone. Will work be enough?
This worries me at times, I have everything most people want, a family (even single-parent family), a house that I've made to be a home, an education, a career, why does it feel like it's not enough? Does it seem selfish to want to start fresh or even some might say "run away"?
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