So this past couple of weeks have made somethings very clear to me and my life plans. First of all, I have learned that buying a house at the ripe age of 19 was probably not the smartest idea I had. When I bought my house I wanted to start a new life with me and my daughter. Give her a sense of stability, give her a home to come back to whenever she would need. But why did I want stability? Simple answer, I never had it growing up. I wanted her to have the one thing I had always longed for, a home to come back to, a place to visit when you need reassuring, a place to look back to where you grew up. The one thing I also wanted was something to secure me to that same promise and idea. I know just as well as anyone that when you grow up around a "runner," you're bound to feel the same; when in panic....run as fast & as far as you can away from the situation.
I will admit to my many thoughts, ideas, and failed attempts of trying to run away. When I can look into something and see even a slight possibility of a better life or better chance at happiness, I want to put 150% into it and go. When I think that there could be a chance of finding a better job move, a better future for me & Faith, or even just a fresh start on life; that's when I realize I am just like my mother, and it's scary. On the other hand, what else is there?
The other things, maybe excuses, that I didn't think of are the opportunities I will lose out on. In Fort Dodge, there's a community college and a small university; for someone who wants their master's degree from a well-known school...well, I'm just out of luck I suppose. These things were not crossing my mind when I signed my life to that mortgage, I didn't think it completely through, and that's just not like me. Although it was a desperate time, I wanted things for an immediate "feel-better" rather than thinking everything through.
So, three years after becoming a homeowner, here I am. I'm dying to be freed, to be able to run, or as I like to say, start fresh. There's one little problem, the housing market is in a slump and doesn't look hopeful for a while. I met with my Realtor last week to get an idea of what I was getting into, he said it would be a while before I could even have hope at selling, better yet at leaving.
I have less than a year until I graduate with my AA and AS degrees at Iowa Central, I could finish my Bachelor's degree here, meaning staying here another two years. That's worst cast scenario. Then what? Not a chance of finishing my Master's degree, no chance at even looking into law school even if I wanted to. My career at H&R is on an a steady rise, so I know I will have a great job here. I still feel like I'm settling for less then I want. And there's another angle, do I keep burying myself in work and school and forget ever having a chance at a relationship? Someday I would like to settle down, but around here is that even possible? My luck is horrible, especially with guys (tis why I avoid them most of the time), but isn't that what everyone wants? Will I be happy enough raising Faith, burying myself at work, staying busy with hobbies, but something is still missing..? What happens if I'm stuck here long enough for Faith to get through school, then she leaves the house and I'm completely alone. Will work be enough?
This worries me at times, I have everything most people want, a family (even single-parent family), a house that I've made to be a home, an education, a career, why does it feel like it's not enough? Does it seem selfish to want to start fresh or even some might say "run away"?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
What if?
What is everything happens for a reason? What if you are to scared to make a move that you lose a life opportunity? What if everything falls into place? What if what you really want, isn't what you really need? What if?
Isn't that always the question? When something happens, there always is a "what if" created. What if you had everything you needed right in front of you, but you were too scared to take it? Would you lose it? Would it wait forever for you to open your eyes & realize? Probably not. What makes us doubt things so much? What creates that little terrified voice in our heads that doesn't allow us to open up, but will allow us to regret?
I cannot point the finger to anyone on this topic, as I am a person who would rather keep a 30ft concrete wall up to stay safe, rather than giving the slightest chance to let anyone in so I could risk the pain. But what creates this fear? It is far more than emotions, it is more than the past haunting us.... but what is it?
Will this ruin line & several other lives? How many times can you look back to a time or situation and realize that it could have changed things enough to where you dream to have that moment back? Would you change things?
Instead of pushing someone away or telling them goodbye, would you hold on to them & not let go? Would you fight to prove your innocence? Fight to prove your feelings?
Better yet, if I got to go back to a moment, would I change how I handled situations? Would I be as strong as I am now, compared to how weak & scared I was before? Would I get away when I had the chance? What if a moment could be chosen to start over? Would you change anything?
The "what if's" tend to run our lives some days. Today is mine.
Isn't that always the question? When something happens, there always is a "what if" created. What if you had everything you needed right in front of you, but you were too scared to take it? Would you lose it? Would it wait forever for you to open your eyes & realize? Probably not. What makes us doubt things so much? What creates that little terrified voice in our heads that doesn't allow us to open up, but will allow us to regret?
I cannot point the finger to anyone on this topic, as I am a person who would rather keep a 30ft concrete wall up to stay safe, rather than giving the slightest chance to let anyone in so I could risk the pain. But what creates this fear? It is far more than emotions, it is more than the past haunting us.... but what is it?
Will this ruin line & several other lives? How many times can you look back to a time or situation and realize that it could have changed things enough to where you dream to have that moment back? Would you change things?
Instead of pushing someone away or telling them goodbye, would you hold on to them & not let go? Would you fight to prove your innocence? Fight to prove your feelings?
Better yet, if I got to go back to a moment, would I change how I handled situations? Would I be as strong as I am now, compared to how weak & scared I was before? Would I get away when I had the chance? What if a moment could be chosen to start over? Would you change anything?
The "what if's" tend to run our lives some days. Today is mine.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Easier is not always better
When you think that your mad, stop for a second and see what you're really mad at. For me, I was mad at a person following some news, but it turns out I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at myself. It only took me a night of margaritas with the girls to understand that.
How do I explain without fully explaining? Hmm... I suppose I could start off by simply saying "so there's this guy..." Isn't that the way every story starts? This truly was a guy, a guy that was different.
I came out of a really harsh relationship in 2007, which I'm still dealing with due to the fact I have a child with that ex, but anyway I was not up for dating to say the least. I tried dating once in 2008, but long story short my ex ruined it. After all of this, to put it nicely, I had gained (and well earned) the nick name "man hater."
After Jack (2008), I decided I was done, over with dating and I could live with just finishing up school, moving, starting my career & raising my daughter the best that I can. That was working out well until I met a friend, who apparently I was bitchy to at first...after all I was the "man hater." lol
Anyways, I couldn't figure out this friend, but I didn't care that much. I had fun, I was happy again, and life seemed to look up.
Now, here's the new lesson I learned: Don't ever assume anything! No answers had ever actually been said, just assumptions made only on spoken words, actions, looks, and feelings. Even my friends thought the same, but after 17 months of unanswered questions, I finally had to ask. The answer was not as I had thought. It seems that I was sadly wrong, all of it was wrong.... all it was was simply friendship. I don't mean to make it sound so depressing, friendship is good just I guess I maybe I wanted more..... or maybe I don't know what I want.
But for the record easier is not always better.
How do I explain without fully explaining? Hmm... I suppose I could start off by simply saying "so there's this guy..." Isn't that the way every story starts? This truly was a guy, a guy that was different.
I came out of a really harsh relationship in 2007, which I'm still dealing with due to the fact I have a child with that ex, but anyway I was not up for dating to say the least. I tried dating once in 2008, but long story short my ex ruined it. After all of this, to put it nicely, I had gained (and well earned) the nick name "man hater."
After Jack (2008), I decided I was done, over with dating and I could live with just finishing up school, moving, starting my career & raising my daughter the best that I can. That was working out well until I met a friend, who apparently I was bitchy to at first...after all I was the "man hater." lol
Anyways, I couldn't figure out this friend, but I didn't care that much. I had fun, I was happy again, and life seemed to look up.
Now, here's the new lesson I learned: Don't ever assume anything! No answers had ever actually been said, just assumptions made only on spoken words, actions, looks, and feelings. Even my friends thought the same, but after 17 months of unanswered questions, I finally had to ask. The answer was not as I had thought. It seems that I was sadly wrong, all of it was wrong.... all it was was simply friendship. I don't mean to make it sound so depressing, friendship is good just I guess I maybe I wanted more..... or maybe I don't know what I want.
But for the record easier is not always better.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The journey of the ages
Have you ever had one of those days when you reminisce all day? Ever think of what you would do if you went back to that time & place; would you change anything? How about a thought that may cross your mind, did your life turn out the way you planned or wanted it to? Are you in the profession you wanted to be?
For me, this is a daily routine. I always tend to imagine the days when life was much simpler, then again who doesn't? A life when you had no responsibility, no mortgage, no car payment, no job, no kids, no stress....well the only stress there could be then was if you were going to have a friend to play with that day or if you were going to have a pimple for yearbook pictures. Life was simple.
But now, looking back on my hopes, dreams, and wishes for my life before I hit 25... what have I done that I wanted to accomplish? What have I accomplished that I didn't plan? If I could go back at 15 and know how I turned out today, how would I feel? Would I be proud? Would I be disappointed?
Hmmm... I suppose it is something to think about...?
For me, this is a daily routine. I always tend to imagine the days when life was much simpler, then again who doesn't? A life when you had no responsibility, no mortgage, no car payment, no job, no kids, no stress....well the only stress there could be then was if you were going to have a friend to play with that day or if you were going to have a pimple for yearbook pictures. Life was simple.
But now, looking back on my hopes, dreams, and wishes for my life before I hit 25... what have I done that I wanted to accomplish? What have I accomplished that I didn't plan? If I could go back at 15 and know how I turned out today, how would I feel? Would I be proud? Would I be disappointed?
Hmmm... I suppose it is something to think about...?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Decisions...Life happens
The imagination is a wonderful thing as a child. Most children start to dream of what they want to be when they grow up; a profession they admire so much that they make it their dream to tell everyone they see. Starting at around the age of 3 or 4 years old, a child's imagination soars them to wanting to be a doctor, an astronaut, or any other exciting occupations they learn about. I however dreamed of growing up to be a lawyer, as nerdy as it was I never cared.
I have always been pretty determined of what I want in life, although occasionally may lose focus. When I started my freshman year of high school I thought I was going to college the next day. My sophomore year I took my ACT's and starting looking into colleges. I always knew I wanted away from here, I wanted to explore the world, which made it hard to decide what schools to apply to and where. This could have the beginning of losing focus, confusion without any answers and some how I got into the so called "wrong crowd."
At the age of 15, just shortly before my 16th birthday, my mother decided to move to Arizona. Looking back now, I have noticed this was a start to some of it. She always wanted to move to a better opportunity, where ever she could find. That specific year though it happened twice. The first time in the fall was supposed to be Texas for a job, then Arizona in the spring. The first one broke me a bit, then after her not actually leaving I stopped believing she would, but I guess I was wrong. She moved to Arizona in the spring of 2004 & has lived there since.
Now I don't need to get into my "mommy-issues" but that was about the point when I completely lost focus. I found a boyfriend 6yrs older than me, who was mainly appealing only for the fact he was old enough to buy alcohol. I started drinking a lot, dropped out of high school, worked full-time and pretty much wrapped my life around him.
In the winter of 2005, I found out I was 5months pregnant...at the ripe age of 17. I had no idea what to do, but at the very moment I heard the news I felt like I was stuck. I finally accepted the news and decided to get back on track. What was once a little blurry came back into full focus, so I finished school.
When choosing names for this baby growing inside of me, I wanted it to be something with meaning, something that was special; the one thing I had lost completely was Faith. So there it was, my beautiful daughter, Faith Ann, was born July 23, 2006. After that things kept becoming more clear.
After the break up in 2007, something really changed inside, I became closer to what I had wanted so many years ago. I started working on buying my house, so I could provide my daughter with stability, something I had never had. I started looking into college, but at this time forgot everything I once had planned, and applied for my general AA degree. Before I actually started college I found what I liked and just so happened to be pretty good at, business.
So in the fall of 2008 I started my college voyage. Now I can see that it was probably not the best time to start, the aftermath of the break up was at a devastating violent/crazy time, and I didn't know how to change it. So, I gave up & failed myself by dropping out. Still determined that I would go back at some point, I didn't feel as much of a failure, but still knew I had failed my dreams.
After that, I grew up some, grew a "backbone" as I call it, started organizing a plan and worked on getting my life back. I started back at Iowa Central in the fall of 2009 and loved it! I finished the semester with straight A's and starting gaining confidence in myself again. I finally could stand up to my ex and things started to calm down, well at least compared to how they had been.
I am still in school, and I'll graduate with both my AA & AS degrees in Business next spring followed by working on my bachelor's then masters degrees. I would like to accomplish my Master's of Business Administration with a concentration on finance and I'm well on my way to achieving that before 30 even with this much of a late start.
The main point of all this, before the ranting & raving of the background of the issue, is that I'm still confused on how I became interested in business, finance, or even accounting. I have always liked math, but never thought of anything close to this being an option. I was talking to a few of my best friends not too long ago and remembered my childhood dreams of law, which triggered all of this. What happened to that dream? Was it just a fantasy?
My response to them saying I still could be, was simply that I don't want to set myself up for failure. I slave away at my schooling now, staying up to the wee hours of the night making sure I perfect everything so I can make my grades how I want them to be...what they used to be. Could I even handle law school? Am i smart enough for it or could my grades improve that much to get me into a law school? These questions keep running through my mind and although my friends showed confidence in me, I'm just not sure. I don't want this to be something I look back on and regret when I'm older, but I also don't want to waste time trying something far beyond my capabilities.
It is something I think about, maybe occasionally dream about. I have to take a business law class as part of my AS, so maybe that will help me get some insight or direction. For now I will continue my current degrees, and maybe look into something more when I'm closer to finishing my bachelor's.
I have always been pretty determined of what I want in life, although occasionally may lose focus. When I started my freshman year of high school I thought I was going to college the next day. My sophomore year I took my ACT's and starting looking into colleges. I always knew I wanted away from here, I wanted to explore the world, which made it hard to decide what schools to apply to and where. This could have the beginning of losing focus, confusion without any answers and some how I got into the so called "wrong crowd."
At the age of 15, just shortly before my 16th birthday, my mother decided to move to Arizona. Looking back now, I have noticed this was a start to some of it. She always wanted to move to a better opportunity, where ever she could find. That specific year though it happened twice. The first time in the fall was supposed to be Texas for a job, then Arizona in the spring. The first one broke me a bit, then after her not actually leaving I stopped believing she would, but I guess I was wrong. She moved to Arizona in the spring of 2004 & has lived there since.
Now I don't need to get into my "mommy-issues" but that was about the point when I completely lost focus. I found a boyfriend 6yrs older than me, who was mainly appealing only for the fact he was old enough to buy alcohol. I started drinking a lot, dropped out of high school, worked full-time and pretty much wrapped my life around him.
In the winter of 2005, I found out I was 5months pregnant...at the ripe age of 17. I had no idea what to do, but at the very moment I heard the news I felt like I was stuck. I finally accepted the news and decided to get back on track. What was once a little blurry came back into full focus, so I finished school.
When choosing names for this baby growing inside of me, I wanted it to be something with meaning, something that was special; the one thing I had lost completely was Faith. So there it was, my beautiful daughter, Faith Ann, was born July 23, 2006. After that things kept becoming more clear.
After the break up in 2007, something really changed inside, I became closer to what I had wanted so many years ago. I started working on buying my house, so I could provide my daughter with stability, something I had never had. I started looking into college, but at this time forgot everything I once had planned, and applied for my general AA degree. Before I actually started college I found what I liked and just so happened to be pretty good at, business.
So in the fall of 2008 I started my college voyage. Now I can see that it was probably not the best time to start, the aftermath of the break up was at a devastating violent/crazy time, and I didn't know how to change it. So, I gave up & failed myself by dropping out. Still determined that I would go back at some point, I didn't feel as much of a failure, but still knew I had failed my dreams.
After that, I grew up some, grew a "backbone" as I call it, started organizing a plan and worked on getting my life back. I started back at Iowa Central in the fall of 2009 and loved it! I finished the semester with straight A's and starting gaining confidence in myself again. I finally could stand up to my ex and things started to calm down, well at least compared to how they had been.
I am still in school, and I'll graduate with both my AA & AS degrees in Business next spring followed by working on my bachelor's then masters degrees. I would like to accomplish my Master's of Business Administration with a concentration on finance and I'm well on my way to achieving that before 30 even with this much of a late start.
The main point of all this, before the ranting & raving of the background of the issue, is that I'm still confused on how I became interested in business, finance, or even accounting. I have always liked math, but never thought of anything close to this being an option. I was talking to a few of my best friends not too long ago and remembered my childhood dreams of law, which triggered all of this. What happened to that dream? Was it just a fantasy?
My response to them saying I still could be, was simply that I don't want to set myself up for failure. I slave away at my schooling now, staying up to the wee hours of the night making sure I perfect everything so I can make my grades how I want them to be...what they used to be. Could I even handle law school? Am i smart enough for it or could my grades improve that much to get me into a law school? These questions keep running through my mind and although my friends showed confidence in me, I'm just not sure. I don't want this to be something I look back on and regret when I'm older, but I also don't want to waste time trying something far beyond my capabilities.
It is something I think about, maybe occasionally dream about. I have to take a business law class as part of my AS, so maybe that will help me get some insight or direction. For now I will continue my current degrees, and maybe look into something more when I'm closer to finishing my bachelor's.
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