It makes sense in some countries ;-)

A quick confused message of appreciation (don't worry, that makes sense in some countries Lol). I don't know who ever reads this, if anyone, but I have to admit that after about 5 months of blogging or at least starting a blot, I feel much better. My friends don't have to listen to me vent about as much, I don't have to feel like I sound like a broken record, although I know I do, but its to a web blog rather than a person to judge. Lol
Typically I'm optimistic,  or try to be as much as I can, as independent as I can, and as strong as I can be to give me daughter everything she needs (physically, emotionally, etc). These things will never change, just.like the love I have for my friends who stand by me through everything and most of all those people in my life who can make me smile.
My life may not be perfect, but ill never stop improving it. Previous blog additions have ranted enough about my confusions in life (such as "honesty:...") so i need not say more, at least for now, but no matter what, in some countries it makes sense! ;-)

A quick reflection...

As the year quickly comes to an end, I've been reflecting on the years events, life changes, positives/negatives, and definitely the goals of 2012. Now when I saw goals, I do not mean the so called "resolutions " people commit to then completly forget about a week or so later. When I make goals I give better details, make sure they're for the most part realistic, and things that are truely good for my life, much more then weight loss goals, although those always exist.
So without going into extreme detail to where I need to write a novel, I will simply overview the things that come to mind; I'm sure there will be plenty more over the next few days. :-)
First of all, as always I am always thankful to have such amazing friends! Without my friends,  I'm not sure I'd survive. Between my best friend of 20yrs to new friends that have came into my life in 2011 (or back into my life for a few Lol), each one of my friends are very important to me.
Secondly, id like to reflect on how much stronger I've become towards my ex. Please don't take this wrong, I am not dwelling on the past, I am simply stating that I have made remarkable progress at growing "a backbone" ,standing up for myself,  and protecting my family.
Thirdly,  although the love department never withstands much good luck, I've also made progress there. First with mixed thoughts/emotions towards a dear friend of mine, which is better that we stayed friends; this gave me a chance to open up a bit. The second time wasn't really planned, but around my birthday I met (or reacquainted) with someone who seemed to be pretty good, and was good at making me laugh. Things went well, followed by a period we lost touch, but recently started hanging out again. I'm not sure how that will go or even how it stands, but as an optimist, at least I.opened up more then I thought was possible.
I'm sure there will be.more to come within the.next couple of days, but for now I'm pretty happy at the.accomplishments, big or small, that came in 2011. And this will help me realize what to plan for 2012 goals!  :-)

Honesty: helpful or hurtful?

I have a topic on my mind that has been bugging me all day! Which is better/worse: to be nice & don't tell a person something because it may hurt their feelings or to just be honest with the person & not keep them wondering in the dark...?
I have been on both sides of the spectrum, so I do know this is a tough decision. However, I do think honesty is always better. I've been honest with people just so they don't have to feel clueless or "waiting", I've been told my flaws as well, which at the time didn't feel so nice, but I now know its better then wondering. But most of the time I'm left in the dark, which I hate.
I know I've said it before, but in the love & relationship department I just don't have any luck, unless bad luck counts! Most stories start off with "so there's this guy I like/liked for a while...." and ends with "he says I'm a good friend/ one of the guys..." or "he always has excuses not to hang out ..." the story is always the same, but I guess I just am optimistic or maybe just plain stupid.
So, in the end, I guess what I'm really wondering is if I really want to get left in the dark/blown off time after time or do I really want to hear whats wrong with me/why I'm just not appealing ...? Is there really a good answer? I guess only time will tell!

Christmas 2011

Todays rant & rave is brought to you by Christmas, friends, family, & Faith. :-)
So, as always, here I am thinking again. Thinking about life, thinking about everything. Today is Christmas,  Jesus' birthday, celebration of families and friends, or some might only see this day as a consumer driven crazed festival.  I could see it in any of these, but I'd like to think mainly the first 2. I was born & raised Irish Catholic, so of course I remember the biblical version & celebrate it with my daughter. However, one of the best things about any holiday is seeing family & friends, especially the ones who make you smile. I cherish having enough free time to enjoy Faith and today was a great day for this, even the past week of preparing for it together between baking to shopping to church and most of all unraveling what Santa brought.
I am very thankful for my close friends, they come into my life at my worst times and remind me of how strong I can be if only I can remember a sense of humor, smile, a good laugh & especially a nice pair of cute (yet uncomfortable) heels! ;-)
I am glad I got the chance to spend time with close friends for this holidays, but it also made me think of what was missing or yet to come.  Will traditions stay? Will my close friends always be there? I certainly hope so!
Merry Christmas to all & to all a good night! <3

My destiny ...?

<p>As I was playing dart league with the girls last night I saw a lady who defined everything I once joked I was destined to be.
You see, my luck is bad... ok maybe horrible or nonexistent is a better way to describe my luck when it comes to love or guys in general. I always joke that I am destined to be the cat lady: alone, very single, a million cats, and morbidly obese. Not too optimistic, I know.
Anyways, this lady was very much over weight, had a walker due to the fact she was so overweight she could hardle walk on her own, clearly very single, and yet not too friendly. (I was always told if you can't get blessed with looks, at least have a good personality- to which I try). Anywho, as I looked at the lady more I got to thinking. Is this really how I'm destined to be? Is that my fate?
Now my friends thought I was kidding as I.asked, but I honestly wondered if its possible? It scared me to think about it, but in reality I've always had weight issues, I'm not currently small either,  I've always had dating issues, haven't dated in years, so how does my curiosity seem so unrealistic?

There comes a point ...

There comes a point in your life when you really have to stop & look around and ask where am I? Where am I? Is this what I want? Is this what I had planned? Who is surrounding me? Are these people who I should be around? Etc.
Whether this point comes to you at 15 or 50, it will happen, and it should happen. A self analysis is healthy, and its even ok if it happens more often then once.
Now don't get me wrong, I certainly am not trying to preach anything to anyone. I am 23 years old, I have a 5yr old beautiful daughter, I own my house,  work 2 jobs, finishing my AA in business/finance, and have wonderful friends. Is this what I pictured of my life? Absolutely not, but I'm not going to complain too much. In many aspects I am blessed, in others I'm cursed. But I have a tendency to self analyze too much to see how I can better my life.
There's always one thing that I think of: is there such thing as true happiness? Could I achieve more? Is there something more out there for me?

Lifes little Changes

We always preach about change, some say its a good thing, some say its a bad thing, but inevitably it comes down to the simple fact that change happens.  I have always been a person that is content with working on my life alone. I have enough on my plate already, little alone take on something else in my life; its just a motto I've become accustom to. I tend to plan everything, or at least try to, but occasionally something can unexpectedly can happen in the midst of those plans.
Ill never forget when things changed, how rude I was to avoid change, or how I kept reassuring myself that there was no chance I would let change happen. While I was coming up with every excuse to avoid what I thought I didn't want to happen, everyone else was coming up with reasons for me to try something different; to change.
Although my friends encouraged everything I had been against, I now can thank them for this. No matter how the end results, the fact still remains that I opened up, changed my thinking a lot, and even for a short time, I was happy.
So, without getting into the details, my main point is change can be good. It undoubtedly can be very scary, but even if an end result could feel like it was all for the worst, the truth remains that a little good came of it all. Every life experience, good or bad,  teaches us a lesson.

A dose of reality

So I had a good friend of mine say something That was horrible to hear, but the honesty I needed. "Between all you do to stay busy, that's why you're still single." Stings to hear or even say, but could there be truth in it?
I do stay busy, 3 jobs, 2 schools, 1 kid, 1 house to finish... no sleep! This is my way of life & as I always say it keeps me out of trouble, but is it possible this could all be a defense mechanism? 
No one will ever hear me say That I like to stay this busy, to stay away from my child so much, but I do it to keep us going. Our lifestyle is pretty set in stone (I.e. buying house, etc) so I'm not going to have Faith suffer & change her ways just because I'm going to school. I go to school so much to try to better our lives, so that she wont have to know how hard life can be, but lately it feels like I'm running 100mph yet going nowhere. 
I dream of a better life, but I guess I always see it as a better life for Faith & I... is that bad? Is it a sign? Who knows, been on my own so long I don't even think I'd know what to do if I had someone else around.

23

So, here I am, 2 weeks after my 23rd birthday and of course over analyzing life again.
A song I listened to when I was a teenager was "what's my age again?" By blink 182. The song I can still sing word for word to this day, but it carries on how nobody likes you when you're 23... worrisome?  I think so!
A few days prior to my birthday things started to go downhill quickly. I had friends leave, and one friend bailed on me at last minute... started feeling like the song was true after all.
My big day was saved when my best friend April came to my rescue and got me out of state for the day. We had so much fun That I even forgot the names of those who had disappointed me. (Thank you April!)
Besides the things I physically did for my birthday,  I couldn't help but to analyze my life to this point. When you ask some of my friends about me, they can brag me up to look like a saint, however I don't feel the same, flattered but not the same. I guess that no one really pictures their life at 23 to be like this, with a mortgage,  no degree yet, and raising a 5 year old on your own... well at least that's not what I had planned.
So once again I come up with the questions, have I failed myself? Do I still have hope? Why does it feel like I'm always running a million miles per hour and going nowhere?
Most of my friends are much older then me and I know I subconsciously compare myself to them, but I did have some good advice for my depressing day: "look at how you're doing compared to people the same age as you..." that was Amazing advice that I did need which was followed by a remark questioning if people older then me look back and compare themselves to me when they were my age as much as I compare my life to theirs now? Now That is food for thought!
So, after all the babbling,  I am another year older and hopefully a little wiser. And the best advice about my life is "life happens!"

Is a house really a home?

So this past couple of weeks have made somethings very clear to me and my life plans. First of all, I have learned that buying a house at the ripe age of 19 was probably not the smartest idea I had. When I bought my house I wanted to start a new life with me and my daughter. Give her a sense of stability, give her a home to come back to whenever she would need. But why did I want stability? Simple answer, I never had it growing up.  I wanted her to have the one thing I had always longed for, a home to come back to, a place to visit when you need reassuring, a place to look back to where you grew up. The one thing I also wanted was something to secure me to that same promise and idea. I know just as well as anyone that when you grow up around a "runner," you're bound to feel the same; when in panic....run as fast & as far as you can away from the situation.
I will admit to my many thoughts, ideas, and failed attempts of trying to run away. When I can look into something and see even a slight possibility of a better life or better chance at happiness, I want to put 150% into it and go. When I think that there could be a chance of finding a better job move, a better future for me & Faith, or even just a fresh start on life; that's when I realize I am just like my mother, and it's scary. On the other hand, what else is there?
The other things, maybe excuses, that I didn't think of are the opportunities I will lose out on. In Fort Dodge, there's a community college and a small university; for someone who wants their master's degree from a well-known school...well, I'm just out of luck I suppose. These things were not crossing my mind when I signed my life to that mortgage, I didn't think it completely through, and that's just not like me. Although it was a desperate time, I wanted things for an immediate "feel-better" rather than thinking everything through.
So, three years after becoming a homeowner, here I am. I'm dying to be freed, to be able to run, or as I like to say, start fresh. There's one little problem, the housing market is in a slump and doesn't look hopeful for a while. I met with my Realtor last week to get an idea of what I was getting into, he said it would be a while before I could even have hope at selling, better yet at leaving.
I have less than a year until I graduate with my AA and AS degrees at Iowa Central, I could finish my Bachelor's degree here, meaning staying here another two years. That's worst cast scenario. Then what? Not a chance of finishing my Master's degree, no chance at even looking into law school even if I wanted to. My career at H&R is on an a steady rise, so I know I will have a great job here. I still feel like I'm settling for less then I want. And there's another angle, do I keep burying myself in work and school and forget ever having a chance at a relationship? Someday I would like to settle down, but around here is that even possible? My luck is horrible, especially with guys (tis why I avoid them most of the time), but isn't that what everyone wants? Will I be happy enough raising Faith, burying myself at work, staying busy with hobbies, but something is still missing..? What happens if I'm stuck here long enough for Faith to get through school, then she leaves the house and I'm completely alone. Will work be enough?
This worries me at times, I have everything most people want, a family (even single-parent family), a house that I've made to be a home, an education, a career, why does it feel like it's not enough? Does it seem selfish to want to start fresh or even some might say "run away"?

What if?

What is everything happens for a reason? What if you are to scared to make a move that you lose a life opportunity? What if everything falls into place? What if what you really want, isn't what you really need? What if?
Isn't that always the question? When something happens, there always is a "what if" created. What if you had everything you needed right in front of you, but you were too scared to take it? Would you lose it? Would it wait forever for you to open your eyes & realize? Probably not. What makes us doubt things so much? What creates that little terrified voice in our heads that doesn't allow us to open up, but will allow us to regret?
I cannot point the finger to anyone on this topic, as I am a person who would rather keep a 30ft concrete wall up to stay safe, rather than giving the slightest chance to let anyone in so I could risk the pain. But what creates this fear? It is far more than emotions, it is more than the past haunting us.... but what is it?
Will this ruin line & several other lives? How many times can you look back to a time or situation and realize that it could have changed things enough to where you dream to have that moment back? Would you change things?
Instead of pushing someone away or telling them goodbye, would you hold on to them & not let go? Would you fight to prove your innocence? Fight to prove your feelings?
Better yet, if I got to go back to a moment, would I change how I handled situations? Would I be as strong as I am now, compared to how weak & scared I was before? Would I get away when I had the chance? What if a moment could be chosen to start over? Would you change anything?
The "what if's" tend to run our lives some days. Today is mine.

Easier is not always better

When you think that your mad, stop for a second and see what you're really mad at. For me, I was mad at a person following some news, but it turns out I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at myself. It only took me a night of margaritas with the girls to understand that.
How do I explain without fully explaining? Hmm... I suppose I could start off by simply saying "so there's this guy..." Isn't that the way every story starts? This truly was a guy, a guy that was different.
I came out of a really harsh relationship in 2007, which I'm still dealing with due to the fact I have a child with that ex, but anyway I was not up for dating to say the least. I tried dating once in 2008, but long story short my ex ruined it. After all of this, to put it nicely, I had gained (and well earned) the nick name "man hater."
After Jack (2008), I decided I was done, over with dating and I could live with just finishing up school, moving, starting my career & raising my daughter the best that I can. That was working out well until I met a friend, who apparently I was bitchy to at first...after all I was the "man hater." lol
Anyways, I couldn't figure out this friend, but I didn't care that much. I had fun, I was happy again, and life seemed to look up.
Now, here's the new lesson I learned: Don't ever assume anything! No answers had ever actually been said, just assumptions made only on spoken words, actions, looks, and feelings. Even my friends thought the same, but after 17 months of unanswered questions, I finally had to ask. The answer was not as I had thought. It seems that I was sadly wrong, all of it was wrong.... all it was was simply friendship. I don't mean to make it sound so depressing, friendship is good just I guess I maybe I wanted more..... or maybe I don't know what I want.
But for the record easier is not always better.

The journey of the ages

Have you ever had one of those days when you reminisce all day? Ever think of what you would do if you went back to that time & place; would you change anything? How about a thought that may cross your mind, did your life turn out the way you planned or wanted it to? Are you in the profession you wanted to be?
For me, this is a daily routine. I always tend to imagine the days when life was much simpler, then again who doesn't? A life when you had no responsibility, no mortgage, no car payment, no job, no kids, no stress....well the only stress there could be then was if you were going to have a friend to play with that day or if you were going to have a pimple for yearbook pictures. Life was simple.
But now, looking back on my hopes, dreams, and wishes for my life before I hit 25... what have I done that I wanted to accomplish? What have I accomplished that I didn't plan? If I could go back at 15 and know how I turned out today, how would I feel? Would I be proud? Would I be disappointed?
Hmmm... I suppose it is something to think about...?

Decisions...Life happens

The imagination is a wonderful thing as a child. Most children start to dream of what they want to be when they grow up; a profession they admire so much that they make it their dream to tell everyone they see. Starting at around the age of 3 or 4 years old, a child's imagination soars them to wanting to be a doctor, an astronaut, or any other exciting occupations they learn about. I however dreamed of growing up to be a lawyer, as nerdy as it was I never cared.
I have always been pretty determined of what I want in life, although occasionally may lose focus. When I started my freshman year of high school I thought I was going to college the next day. My sophomore year I took my ACT's and starting looking into colleges. I always knew I wanted away from here, I wanted to explore the world, which made it hard to decide what schools to apply to and where. This could have the beginning of losing focus, confusion without any answers and some how I got into the so called "wrong crowd."
At the age of 15, just shortly before my 16th birthday, my mother decided to move to Arizona. Looking back now, I have noticed this was a start to some of it. She always wanted to move to a better opportunity, where ever she could find. That specific year though it happened twice. The first time in the fall was supposed to be Texas for a job, then Arizona in the spring. The first one broke me a bit, then after her not actually leaving I stopped believing she would, but I guess I was wrong. She moved to Arizona in the spring of 2004 & has lived there since.
Now I don't need to get into my "mommy-issues" but that was about the point when I completely lost focus. I found a boyfriend 6yrs older than me, who was mainly appealing only for the fact he was old enough to buy alcohol. I started drinking a lot, dropped out of high school, worked full-time and pretty much wrapped my life around him.
In the winter of 2005, I found out I was 5months pregnant...at the ripe age of 17. I had no idea what to do, but at the very moment I heard the news I felt like I was stuck. I finally accepted the news and decided to get back on track. What was once a little blurry came back into full focus, so I finished school.
When choosing names for this baby growing inside of me, I wanted it to be something with meaning, something that was special; the one thing I had lost completely was Faith. So there it was, my beautiful daughter, Faith Ann,  was born July 23, 2006. After that things kept becoming more clear.
After the break up in 2007, something really changed inside, I became closer to what I had wanted so many years ago. I started working on buying my house, so I could provide my daughter with stability, something I had never had. I started looking into college, but at this time forgot everything I once had planned, and applied for my general AA degree. Before I actually started college I found what I liked and just so happened to be pretty good at, business.
So in the fall of 2008 I started my college voyage. Now I can see that it was probably not the best time to start, the aftermath of the break up was at a devastating violent/crazy time, and I didn't know how to change it. So, I gave up & failed myself by dropping out. Still determined that I would go back at some point, I didn't feel as much of a failure, but still knew I had failed my dreams.
After that, I grew up some, grew a "backbone" as I call it, started organizing a plan and worked on getting my life back. I started back at Iowa Central in the fall of 2009 and loved it! I finished the semester with straight A's and starting gaining confidence in myself again. I finally could stand up to my ex and things started to calm down, well at least compared to how they had been.
I am still in school, and I'll graduate with both my AA & AS degrees in Business next spring followed by working on my bachelor's then masters degrees. I would like to accomplish my Master's of Business Administration with a concentration on finance and I'm well on my way to achieving that before 30 even with this much of a late start.
The main point of all this, before the ranting & raving of the background of the issue, is that I'm still confused on how I became interested in business, finance, or even accounting. I have always liked math, but never thought of anything close to this being an option. I was talking to a few of my best friends not too long ago and remembered my childhood dreams of law, which triggered all of this. What happened to that dream? Was it just a fantasy?
My response to them saying I still could be, was simply that I don't want to set myself up for failure. I slave away at my schooling now, staying up to the wee hours of the night making sure I perfect everything so I can make my grades how I want them to be...what they used to be. Could I even handle law school? Am i smart enough for it or could my grades improve that much to get me into a law school? These questions keep running through my mind and although my friends showed confidence in me, I'm just not sure. I don't want this to be something I look back on and regret when I'm older, but I also don't want to waste time trying something far beyond my capabilities.
It is something I think about, maybe occasionally dream about. I have to take a business law class as part of my AS, so maybe that will help me get some insight or direction. For now I will continue my current degrees, and maybe look into something more when I'm closer to finishing my bachelor's.

Cause & Effect

How about the reason I decided to look into blogging? Who brought the idea into my head? Why? 

Well, to put it nicely, I may have took advantage of a dear friend who is currently deployed. If things were going on at home that I couldn't talk to anyone about, I would include that in my email. For example, if something bothered me that someone at home could take wrong or even possibly not listen to, I would send Tyler a long message ranting & raving, with about 3 sentences actually answering questions or asking his about his well being. Putting this down, it now actually sounds horrible, but I promise it could have been entertaining for him....chances are small. lol

I told him that when he gets home maybe I would think of getting a journal to continue since it would be harder for me to rant & rave. Then, with our wise technological minds today, I thought why should I get a journal & hide it in fear that someone would see that I had written something about them that could be potentially wrong, when I could start a blog on the World Wide Internet where anyone could easily access this! Maybe the logical part in this was that chances are less that someone will read my online blog, rather than my journal hidden under my mattress....? Doesn't make much sense, but then again it could make a whole lot of sense to someone! 

Anyways, my main point is thank you Tyler for helping me get the idea of ranting & raving via blog so it is easier for you to "tune me out." :-)

Short and sweet answers

So, it is decided that I will do it all with blogging. Why not rant & rave about the day I had? I have no idea if anyone will even read it, but I know I will feel better about this. Why not share something I found to be funny or enjoyable? There could be a small chance someone else could see that post & enjoy it too! You simply never know when something as little as a smile or a laugh could make someones day or even save their life!

The origin of my blogging

What is in a blog? Who blogs? What do I include? These are all questions I have yet to learn, but I feel it is time for me to step into the 21st century and try something new!
In our new tech-savvy world, when we question something, the first thing we turn to is Google. So I did. The results I came up with were not the clearest, but pretty much as I had thought, the most interesting part of it was:
Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, Web pages, and other media related to its topic. (Thanks to Wikipedia)
So here is the question I have at hand, do I turn this into sharing what I find is interesting on YouTube, a special picture I see, or even perhaps a digital diary that may not be as personal as the one I had as a preteen? 
The questions will always answer themselves eventually, maybe a night of sleep would help as well. I guess we will find out soon enough! 
Good night! :-)